Still virtually humping Mr. FB.  Miraculously my relationship with my husband has improved.  Since I have been acting like such a trainwreck (“I swear, I have no idea what’s wrong with me…it’s hormonal maybe?  I don’t know…”) he has decided to act like a – dare I say it – Comforting Husband!  He helps me, he asks if I need help, he hugs me and kisses me.  Yadda, yadda.

Mr. FB on the other hand – a tough nut to crack.  I’ve pretty much decided to have an affair with him even though I think he may be in love with me where I am just in lust.  I did see him the other day.  He texted me and told me where he was going to be fishing, so here I am thinking he’s telling me so I will come see him – since he was just a few blocks from where I work.

I find myself parking next to his Jeep which I have never seen before.  I write him a note on paper which I had thoroughly planned to leave on his windshield and go back to work…but found myself crumpling it in my hand while I checked out the size of the back seat of his Jeep.  Hm.  Not much room there.  Will need another solution for any possible further endeavors.

Next I am climbing down a hill full of rocks which heels on, never once thinking I was doing something completely nuts.  Never once thinking about my husband.  Only thinking of myself.  Me.  Me.  Me.   As well as Mr. FB, of course. 

I see him standing near the water throwing out his line over and over again.  I walk into a clearing almost adjacent to him, probably 25 feet away.  I stand and wait for him to turn my way.  The water is rushing by loudly so I know he won’t hear me if I call to him.  Reel it in, throw it out.  Reel it in, throw it out.  I wonder if he will ever see me. 

He turns and looks at me.  Looks away.  Looks back.  Big smile from him.  I stick out my hip a little and give him a small wave.  Big smile from me.  He keeps fishing.  Hm.

I walk back up the path I came from to wind around and meet him at his spot.  He can’t look at me.  I ask him if he’s nervous and he says no.  I believe him.  I am so naive.  He starts telling me about someone that we know mutually.  I think this is odd, considering last night he was telling me when he saw me my mouth would be too full for me to talk…but whatever.  I immediately assume he is repulsed by me and tell him I made a mistake, that I’m going to leave.  He asks if I think he’s acting weird and I just say “yeah, I do think you’re acting weird.”  I say I’m leaving and turn to walk back up the hill.  He doesn’t stop me.

Strangely I am not upset.  I go back to work and expect to hear from him later, but I don’t.   He emails me later and we talk back and forth, except I lay my cards out on the table (a much nicer way of saying I throw myself at him virtually) and he plays his Answer A Question With A Question game.  This makes me crazy, and annoys me.  After a few exchanges of this I stop responding and actually go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I stress the next day and worry he hates me.  Why do I care?

He finds me online the next night and chats with me.  He’s drunk he says.  I’m psyched in my mind because we all know alcohol is the truth serum and unfortunately the truth serum is going to be the only way this man opens up.  I guess I already knew that. 

He apologizes to me for being evasive and wants to know what I expected him to do.  I did not expect anything I tell him, and really I did not.  I was there for me, to see what I wanted.  To see if I wanted to carry on with this.  I apologize for making what was probably a bold and selfish move, he does not seem bothered by it though, and told me his heart was racing the whole time.  This makes me melt.   We will see each other again in just under two weeks.

Now it is Friday and no word from him today.  I will not worry over this.  It is unfair of me to expect things from him he may be unable to give. But to know I made this man’s heart race is a cool victory for me.  What woman doesn’t want to know that she made a man’s heart race?

I’m obsessing over Mr. FB more than ever.  I have no idea what to do or how to make it go away.  As online flirtations go you don’t know what the other person is actually feeling, and I’ve learned Mr. FB isn’t one to share his feelings – first.

Why did I have to look up astrological shit and learn that his and mine are the most compatible in the zodiac?  Like that fucking means anything?  He has a gf, and a son with her…who the hell am I?  I am acting ridiculous and I am well aware of it.  I signed up for a training in a few weeks purposely because I knew he would be in the vicinity, what do I expect – that he’s ACTUALLY going to screw me in a dirty elevator, like he told me he was going to?  That we’re going to look into each others eyes, leave our spouses and children and what, live in his car?  I mean WTF is wrong with me? 

I’m popping Xanax left and right to try and stay calm over all of this.  He sends me messages every morning…we talk every night … the last two days – minimal contact has put me into a tailspin.  Is he regretting all of this, or is he just busy?  Why do I care?  Why would I want a man I didn’t want before?  Why would I want a man who says the naughtiest things to his online lover and then goes to bed later with the mother of his child.  WHY?  Why would he want someone like me, who professes to be a good wife and mother when really I am just a stupid, easily influenced stupid piece of shit?  Of the nastiest kind?  Help.

So much I never knew when he was in my past.  I was at his wedding.   He says he wanted me then.  He reminded me of a time two nights before his wedding…we were all out (hopefully minus his fiance at the time?  can’t remember) and I pulled him into a dark, dirty bathroom in a seedy bar.   I had no recollection of this incident.  He said I was sitting on the sink and he was standing in front of me and we were likely flirting our heads off.  He said he wanted to kiss me and couldn’t get the guts to do it.  I thought about this and tried to remember this encounter for three days, and finally, I was able to pull it out of the dark depths of my 37 year old mind. 

I did pull him into the bathroom on purpose.  I knew exactly what I was doing.  It was completely selfish of me considering the circumstances, he was getting married after all, even if he and his fiance didn’t even want to.  I remember thinking something must be wrong with me because he didn’t kiss me.  He said there was nothing wrong with me, he just didn’t have the nerve to do it, that I made him so nervous.

Just like it is completely selfish of me to be doing what I am doing now, it is not fair to my husband, who is good to me but as I said he is checked out in the emotional department.  While the sex is great he is a selfish lover sometimes.  I guess we all are at times.

We’ve agreed to keep it secret and I said to him I wasn’t sure if I could continue, that I did not like how it was making me feel so anxious.  But I can’t stay away from him at night.  The virtual communication is torture as you really are never able to read the other person when you are only using typed words rather than body language, eye contact, and actual words you can hear. 

I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to handle this, that my emotions will get in the way, they already have.  My heart rate is still elevated constantly and I think about him all the time.  The irony of this is that I know in the back of my mind if I saw him, if I got the guts to meet him and sleep with him, I would remember why I wasn’t with him in the first place, and this might all go away.  But for now it’s excitement and I feel fabulous and gorgeous and beautiful and tingly all over. 

Yeah I know I need therapy.  You don’t need to tell me.

I chatted with him until 2 am on Saturday.   Nothing major to report.  The entire time I thought my heart might bust out of my chest.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’ve been short with my husband.  I’ve been short with my child.  Now I’m on edge because I messaged him back last night and never heard back from him.  Can’t believe I’m a nervous wreck over this.  This does NOT feel good.  I have no idea how to deal with this and I feel utterly ridiculous for feeling this way at all.

My parents got divorced when I was six.  The end result was that my father caught my mother in the backseat of his best friend’s car.  Prior to that she had a string of affairs that led to much screaming and yelling in our household.  I can remember going to Niagara Falls to visit her friend, Phyllis.  Phyllis had a friend who went by the name “Grease Monkey”.  Grease Monkey had a motorcycle.  I rode on the back a few times.   He took us around to see the sights of Canada.  Took us out to eat, etc.  At six you don’t really question these kinds of things.  Or at least you don’t when you have a mother who flies off the handle at things like oh, I don’t know…not finishing your milk.

Upon return to my parents marital home, we showed my father pictures from our trip.  At one point my father asked me directly who had taken the picture of my mother, my sister and myself in front of the falls.  I answered “Grease Monkey” and promptly received two elbows in my sides, one from my older sister and the other from my mother.  It was then I realized something was wrong.  Shortly after we moved into an apartment:  my mother, one of my sisters, and me.  Shortly after that Grease Monkey came to visit.  Thinking back on it now, I still didn’t get it, and didn’t question it.

My mother says now she regrets leaving my father although she will never admit her infidelities to anyone.  I hope she can at least admit them to herself.

So Mr. Facebook, formerly Mr. X, caught me on FB chat the other night.  We had a very long and extremely sordid conversation.  I’m quite sure my husband would be furious with me to see what was written, and for the last two days I have struggled with the guilt of what was said and the guilt that I have from wanting to chat with him again.  Or meet with him.  We asked if the other was happy, to which we both responded yes; however, I asked “would truly happy people have a conversation like this?”  The things he said were extremely flattering and I found myself once again with an elevated heart rate.  We chatted for an hour and a half.  He asked if we could chat again.  I said yes, but I haven’t been back on FB since. 

Do I have the slut gene?  Am I going to cheat on my husband?  I’m trying to remember the reasons I didn’t hook up with this guy in the past.  For one he was much younger, which now doesn’t seem to make a difference since we are in our thirties.  He was young and dumb and that’s why I stayed clear.  I’m not sure he’s changed. 

I’m trying to remember the reason I chose my husband over all others so long ago.   If you knew the entire sordid story you would wonder why I chose him at all.  To this day he still carries some character traits that were prominent in our early 20′s.  He is selfish, and not all that affectionate.  I’ve grown to accept this.  I wonder now though, as I seem to have my foot firmly on the gas pedal, careening towards a mid-life crisis, if I have to accept it. 

Listen, I realize Mr. FB is not the answer to my problems.  He is the answer to the start of more problems.  I just feel like something needs to happen.  Something exciting that is just for me.  Not for my husband, not for my kid…just me.  I’ve forgotten who I am.  Mr. FB makes me remember.

Unfortunately, I am greeted by Adam dangling a forbidden apple in front of my face, asking me to answer 96 random questions about my FB friends before I can find out Mr. X’s answer.  So I grudgingly begin the task of clicking “Yes” or “No” to questions such as “Do you think (insert FB Friend here) masturbates?”  and “Do you think (insert FB Friend here) is ugly?”  I find myself looking over my shoulder, then out the window to determine if anyone can actually see me answering these ridiculous questions, and hoping the husband’s uncle doesn’t see my answer to “Do you think your husband’s uncle has a big penis?” to which I actually meant to click “Skip” but instead accidentally clicked “Hell Yeah”.  Great.

Continuing on, I made it through 96 grueling questions about people who seem to be mostly acquaintances at best.  Finally, I am able to see Mr. X’s answer – to which he said “YES”.  Yes, he has had a crush on me.  I notice that my stomach has dropped considerably.  And strangely enough, my heart rate appears to have increased.

Mr. X is a buddy of mine from a long time ago.  He actually married a friend (at the time she was not such a good friend really but has since matured and now, well – let’s just say that Facebook has the power of healing ANY relationship) when we were all much younger.  It lasted maybe a year.  I used to drive him back and forth to school when we were in our early twenties.  He spent a lot of time at my apartment.  At the time I was so hooked on my now husband, I never paid any attention to the fact that Mr. X constantly flirted with me.  Never even gave it a thought.  Until sixteen years later.

I thought about his answer for a few days, wrestled with the fact that he could have accidentally clicked the wrong answer too, just like I had done with my husband’s uncle.  Maybe Mr. X was confused and thought he was answering “Do you think StarryEyes is ugly?”  Yes, that must be the case.

I send him an email.  Told him thank you for making my day.  And that’s it.  That’s all I said.  I receive a response fairly quickly asking me “Why?”  Well there you have it.   He probably answered incorrectly.  Or he didn’t answer it all and my suspicions are true – that Facebook is pure evil.  I ignore his response and a few more days go by.

Friday night.  He emails me again with “you still haven’t told me how I made your day.”  I bite the bullet and tell him that I saw his answer.  He writes me back and tells me he had a crush on me for a long time, and that since reconnecting on Facebook he has often thought “what if?”  I ask him why he never made a move.  He responded that he didn’t think he had a chance.  And he’s right.  He didn’t.  My concern is that he does now.

Ever since learning the above information I find myself thinking about him – a lot.  Wanting to hear more about how he feels, how he felt about me at the time, where he is now in life.  He has a fiance and a son the same age as mine.  I don’t even believe it’s true atraction, I just wonder if having been with the same man for the last 17 years (yes 17 – and I’m only 37) is starting to wear on me.  My self-esteem has been at an all-time low as of late.  I think that I’m ugly.  My husband never tells me otherwise.  I think that my body sucks even though I exercise regularly and eat right.  My husband never tells me otherwise.  I think my new haircut sucks ass – my husband never tells me otherwise.

I long for someone to tell me I’m beautiful, sexy and fun to be around.  I wonder had I not been so blinded by stupidity when I was younger if things would have turned out differently.  I wonder sometimes if there is truth to “soulmates”, and if mine is actually out there.  Waiting patiently.  Or perhaps stuck in a sad relationship they are afraid to get out of for various reasons.  Like kids.  And debt.  And insecurity.

Mr. X, you have fucked me up.  And made me feel marvelous at the same time.  For the last few days I’ve actually felt good about myself.  I thank you for this.